It's been a long while between posts. It's been a long while between many things.
I have an exhibition coming up in 11 days. A group one, so nothing to get too excited about, but it still needs my best effort.
And I am absolutely dry.
There are fall-back pieces I can put in, if I have to, but I really want to do something new. And nothing is forthcoming.
I've been trying to do a birthday drawing for someone, but it has been Catweazle all over again. And now the birthday has come and gone and all I have are drawings that are unsatisfactory.
As for painting, let's not even discuss that, shall we.
I know what is causing this - sleep deprivation, pure and simple. It stuffs your brain around, interferes with thought processes, reasoning skills. Just screws over the whole system. There have been things going on, family-wise, so either I have been up being nurse and sickmaid, or just awake worrying, which is pointless but difficult to shake off. I think, touch wood, that we are at the end of it all (ooh, that feels like a jinx, right there), but it has been going on for so long. And in the meantime I have done nothing. The day comes to an end and there hasn't been the time to pick up a pencil or pen, or there has been and my brain has felt like soup, fit only for a mindless pursuit or filled with what is needed next.
Margaret Olley, the famous Australian artist, said that if women want to be artists they should neither marry nor have children. A (male) artist friend said she's wrong, but I can't agree. The married thing, yes, okay, things have shifted enough that that is no longer true. And by married I count partners too. Wendy Sharpe manages well as an artist with a partner, and there are others. But I am struggling to think of a female artist I respect who has children. Female artist who have given up, or been made to give up their art because of children? Plenty of examples, and many, like Ria Murch, did so so that their husbands could concentrate on their own work (I wonder if Margaret was thinking of Ria when she made her statement).
Maybe it's a female thing, or maybe it's a primary caregiver thing - the role, not the gender. But either way, it can make this infernal juggling act difficult. Here's how it works, and I would love to hear from male primary caregivers on this (in my small and ever diminishing readership) - everything goes on hold for the sick or distressed child, so that they can have the attention they need. Not just activity, but also brain space. The child in question fills your waking life and haunts your dreams when you do manage to sleep. The child is the focus, apart from when you are desperately trying to split yourself to give the other child/children some attention when you can.
There is no resentment in this toward the children, even though it may sound like it. It's just the way it is and is probably some deep-seated evolutionary survival mechanism or something. But what does get to me is that the secondary carer doesn't seem to be consumed at all. They continue on with their life (which they have to do) and while there is worry it doesn't seem to occupy as much space in the mind. There is room for other things and other functions, again probably some deep-seated evolutionary survival mechanism, but gosh it can be irritating.
And the lack of sleep has not helped - how to blow concerns out of proportion and deaden the senses, all in one easy step.
Things are, as I said, easing off, getting better. Hey, I have time to write this post (yippee). But now there is also fear, oh joy. Nothing works, nothing is satisfactory, so picking up a pencil or pen is getting challenging. What if the drought never breaks? Why am I still producing crap? Okay, it is not all crap. I did some drawings of Flacco when I went to see DAAS, of which I am quite pleased, but that is one page of sketches in the space of months. And the fear grows and forms tight uncomfortable knots in my stomach and in my mind. And nothing feels right.
The friend who said Margaret Olley was wrong also said that you have to keep working even when you don't feel like it, otherwise it's a hobby. And he is 100% right about that. If I am going to succeed at this it has to be my job as well as my driving passion. But the thing about jobs is that sometimes you have to take leave, particularly if you are the primary carer. So that's how I am trying to look at what has happened - enforced leave. I just hope I can come back.
